Why those with eating disorders often struggle to receive gifts…but freely give to others.

“I don’t deserve this” conditioning

Many people with EDs carry a deeply internalised belief that:

• love must be earned

• worth comes from being good, small, compliant, helpful

• taking up space = being a burden

Receiving a gift can trigger shame because it contradicts the belief: “I haven’t done enough to deserve this.”

Giving, on the other hand, reinforces the role they feel safest in: the giver, the carer, the one who asks for nothing.

Control feels safer than surrender

Eating disorders thrive on control.

• Giving gifts = controlled, planned, familiar

• Receiving gifts = unpredictable, vulnerable, out of their hands

To receive is to let someone see you, choose for you, invest in you. That level of surrender can feel deeply uncomfortable - even threatening to someone whose nervous system equates safety with control.

Gifts highlight visibility (and EDs prefer invisibility)

A gift says:

“I see you. You matter. I thought about you.”

For someone living with an ED, being seen can feel exposing. Many have learnt that visibility leads to:

• judgement

• expectations

• pressure to remain ‘acceptable’

So they minimise or feel awkward receiving while happily staying visible through service to others.

People-pleasing as protection

Spending money, time, and energy on others can be a way of:

• maintaining connection

• avoiding conflict

• ensuring belonging

There’s often an unspoken fear underneath:

“If I stop giving, will I still be wanted?”

This makes receiving feel unbalanced, like a debt they’ll have to repay with even more self-sacrifice.

Receiving exposes unmet needs

This is a big one.

Receiving a thoughtful gift can stir grief:

• “Why have I never given this to myself?”

• “Why does it feel so hard to be kind inwardly?”

Rather than pleasure, the body feels sadness, guilt, or overwhelm. So avoidance becomes protective.

Receiving is not selfish. Instead, see it as a skill that needs to be relearned.

Learning to receive is part of recovery because it says:

• I am allowed to take up space

• I don’t have to earn care

• I am worthy without shrinking